Project Gummi Bear

While Project Gummi Bear is still on hiatus, @TechBabe was good...

Sun, 28 Jun 2009 11:21:26 -0700

While Project Gummi Bear is still on hiatus, @TechBabe was good enough to pass this video along to me.

Best. Video. Ever.

It even includes my motto: “Three times you can bite me.”

Project Gummi Bear is on hiatus. Not enough brain cells...

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:18:37 -0700

Project Gummi Bear is on hiatus. Not enough brain cells available to think about it these days, so I’m not going to force it. When the muse is upon me, you’ll see updates.

—Jason

Mac: Hello, I’m a Mac. PC: And I’m a...

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Mac: Hello, I’m a Mac.

PC: And I’m a PC.

—

Not my most inspired work, oh well.

German Gummi: Ve vould like to enter your borders...

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

German Gummi: Ve vould like to enter your borders and…

French Gummi: Sacre bleu, we surrender!

—

Today’s post is for Susie, who just returned from a trip to Munich (or Munchen), Germany, and brought me back a package of Haribo Golds. The package is entirely in German (or Deustsch).

The French gummis get to be green because of the American bias towards calling French people ‘frogs’. I know, I know, I’m playing up a stereotype…

Chuck: Well, Ralph, this is a fine pickle you’ve gotten...

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Chuck: Well, Ralph, this is a fine pickle you’ve gotten us into this time!

—

I had fun yesterday with the Chuck & Ralph concept, and this goofy scene popped into my head at the same time. I even made sure that I went to a deli for dinner tonight so that I could get a pickle to bring home for the scene.

By the way, gummibears covered in pickle juice do NOT taste good. Pickles, on the other hand, don’t seem to taste any worse for the wear from being in contact with gummibears.

Do you like the Chuck & Ralph concept? Should I keep them in my bag of tricks, have them be recurring characters… or should I mothball the whole idea?

Chuck: Dude, what’s the combination? Ralph: ...

Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Chuck: Dude, what’s the combination?

Ralph: Uhhhhh…

Chuck: You don’t know the combination?

Ralph: Not exactly….

Chuck: How the heck are we supposed to get into the vault?

Ralph: I thought we could, you know, like, crack the safe.

Chuck: Crack the safe? Who do you think we are? We’re gummibears, for Pete’s sake!

—

Allow me to introduce the first two original characters for Project Gummi Bear, Chuck and Ralph!

Credit goes to old friend @mbd for the surnames.

Sylvester Stallone stars in… Cliffhanger! — I, uhm,...

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:41:43 -0700

Sylvester Stallone stars in… Cliffhanger!

—

I, uhm, forgot to prepare something last night for this morning’s Project Gummi Bear. That’s why the post is late. My bad!

No Gummi Bear today, sorry. Wednesday was a little too mentally...

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

No Gummi Bear today, sorry. Wednesday was a little too mentally taxing for me to come up with something for Thursday.

♫ Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road, ...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

♫ Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road,
Follow, follow, follow, follow,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Follow the Yellow Brick, follow the Yellow Brick,
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

We’re off to see the Wizard, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.
You’ll find he is a whiz of a Wiz, if ever a Wiz there was.
If ever oh ever a Wiz there was The Wizard of Oz is one because,
Because, because, because, because, because.
Because of the wonderful things he does.
We’re off to see the Wizard. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz!!!! ♫

—

Dorothy’s slippers are ruby. You’ll have to take my word for it.

I wish I had a gummidog for Toto.

And that baby gummis had better balance to play Munchkins.

Donnie: What you been up to? Wooderson: Same shit man, workin...

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Donnie: What you been up to?

Wooderson: Same shit man, workin for the city.

Donnie: Workin man, huh?

Wooderson: Yeah, been thinking about getting back into school though man.

Donnie: Like a JC, something like that?

Wooderson: Yeah man, that’s where all the girls are, right?

Donnie: Yes they are.

Wooderson: But on the other hand, I’d just as soon keep working, keep a little change in my pocket, rather than spend my time listening to some dipshit doesn’t know what he’s talkin about anyway.

Donnie: I know what you’re talkin about.

Wooderson: Say, you’re a freshman, right?

Mitch: Yeah…?

Wooderson: So tell me man, how’s this year’s crop of freshman chicks looking?

Donnie: Woods, you’re going to end up in jail sometime over the summer, I know that for a fact.

Wooderson: Nah man, nah, I have to tell you… That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older… they stay the same age.

Donnie: Yes they do.

Wooderson: Yes they do.

—

Best scene of Matthew McConaughey’s career, from Dazed & Confused.

Marty McFly: Jesus Christ, Doc, you disintegrated Einstein! Doc...

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Marty McFly: Jesus Christ, Doc, you disintegrated Einstein!

Doc Brown: Calm down Marty, I didn’t disintegrate anything. The molecular structure of both Einstein and the car are completely intact.

Marty McFly: Then where the hell are they?

Doc Brown: The appropriate question is, “When the hell are they?” You see, Einstein has just become the world’s first time-traveler. I sent him into the future! 1 minute into the future to be exact. And at precisely 1:21am and zero seconds, we shall catch up to him and the time machine.

Marty McFly: Wait a minute, wait a minute, Doc, are you telling me you built a time machine out of a DeLorean?

Doc Brown: The way I see it, if you’re going to build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style. Besides, the stainless steel construction made the flux dispersal…. *BEEP BEEP* Look out!

Announcer: The referee is out cold! Miss Elizabeth can only...

Fri, 29 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Announcer: The referee is out cold! Miss Elizabeth can only watch on in horror as Superfly Snuka climbs to the top rope, he’s going to finish the Macho Man off with the Superfly Smash!

—

If you’re male and your formative years were in the 1980s, Miss Elizabeth was one of your first crushes. Admit it.

Today’s Project Gummi Bear is inspired by the movie The Wrestler. The DVD case is sitting on my coffee table, but I haven’t had a chance to watch the movie again since I picked up the DVD. Instead, we have a scene featuring Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, “The Macho Man” Randy Savage, Miss Elizabeth, a knocked-out referee, and a steel chair.

Hard to see it, but Jimmy “Gummifly” Snuka has a headband and spotted tights.

Messenger: Choose your next words carefully, Leonidas. They may...

Thu, 28 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Messenger: Choose your next words carefully, Leonidas. They may be your last as king.

King Leonidas: “Earth and water”?

Messenger: Madman! You’re a madman!

King Leonidas: Earth and water? You’ll find plenty of both down there.

Messenger: No man, Persian or Greek, no man threatens a messenger!

King Leonidas: You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city steps. You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! Oh, I’ve chosen my words carefully, Persian. Perhaps you should have done the same!

Messenger: This is blasphemy! This is madness!

King Leonidas: Madness…?

King Leonidas: THIS IS SPARTA!

—

Ahh, 300. One of my favorite movies.

This is about as political as it’ll get on Project Gummi...

Wed, 27 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

This is about as political as it’ll get on Project Gummi Bear…

The California state Supreme Court upheld Proposition 8 today. Prop 8 was voted into law in November 2008, outlawing same-sex marriages in California. Tuesday’s court decision upheld the Proposition.

I don’t fault the court’s decision. I fault the voters in the state I live in for passing Prop 8 in the first place. San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom says, “We became the first state in U.S. history, save Prohibition, to change our constitution to strip people’s rights away that had already been legally afforded.”

Do the right thing, Californians. Let’s vote Prop 8 back out of law as soon as possible, and allow same-sex marriages.

John Connor: Holy s—-, now don’t take this the...

Tue, 26 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

John Connor: Holy s—-, now don’t take this the wrong way, but you are a Terminator, right?

The Terminator: Yes. Cyberdyne Systems, Model 101.

John Connor: Whoa. Holy s—-. You’re really real. I mean, whoa. You’re like a machine underneath, right? But alive outside?

The Terminator: I’m a cybernetic organism. Living tissue over a metal endoskeleton.

John Connor: This is intense. Get a grip John, okay. You’re not here to kill me. I figured that part out for myself. So what’s the deal?

The Terminator: My mission is to protect you.

John Connor: Yeah? Who sent you?

The Terminator: You did. 35 years from now, you reprogrammed me to be your protector here, in this time.

John Connor: This is deep.

—

No, I haven’t seen Terminator Salvation yet.

Yes, that’s an AWFUL rendition of a Harley-Davidson.

No gummibear today. While I’ll be working on Friday (and...

Fri, 22 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

No gummibear today. While I’ll be working on Friday (and probably over the three-day weekend), the gummis are taking a well-deserved four-day weekend.

See you back here on Tuesday for more gumminess!

“Mommy, where do gummibears come from?” — The...

Thu, 21 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

“Mommy, where do gummibears come from?”

—

The birds and the bees, Project Gummi Bear style. I spotted this on someone’s desk in the office today, and thought it looked gummi-esque.

(I’ll come up with something better for Friday, I promise.)

Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC? George: Yeah. I think we...

Wed, 20 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Jerry: You want to go with me to NBC?

George: Yeah. I think we really go something here.

Jerry: What do we got?

George: An idea.

Jerry: What idea?

George: An idea for the show.

Jerry: I still don’t know what the idea is.

George: It’s about nothing.

Jerry: Right.

George: Everybody’s doing something, we’ll do nothing.

Jerry: So, we go into NBC, we tell them we’ve got an idea for a show about nothing.

George: Exactly.

Jerry: They say, “What’s your show about?” I say, “Nothing.”

George: There you go.

Jerry: I think you may have something there.

—

Seinfeld. Best television comedy ever? Discuss.

Teddy KGB: Two grand. Mike: All right, I’ll call the two...

Tue, 19 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Teddy KGB: Two grand.

Mike: All right, I’ll call the two grand. I’ll gamble. Don’t splash the pot.

Teddy KGB: You’re on a draw, Mike? Go away. This one is not good for you. And in my club, I will splash the pot whenever the f—- I please.

Mike: Okay. I’m gonna check, Teddy.

Teddy KGB: That’s right. Big Teddy…bets…the pot.

Mike: All right, I’m gonna call you, or else I won’t respect myself tomorrow morning.

Teddy KGB: Respect is all you’ll have left in the morning. Last card coming.

Mike: Check.

Teddy KGB: It hurts, doesn’t it? You can’t believe what fell. All your dreams… dashed. Hopes down the f——-g drain. Your fate, he is sitting right beside you. That ace could not have helped you. I bet it all.

Mike: You’re right, Teddy. The ace didn’t help me. I flopped a nut straight.

Teddy KGB: M——-f——-!

—

As I was preparing to run a poker game this past weekend, it was crystal clear that I needed to do this scene from Rounders, one of my favorites. It’s especially funny if you make the red gummibear do his lines in a John Malkovitch Russian accent. Try it at home!

Greedo: Going somewhere, Solo? Han: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of...

Mon, 18 May 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Greedo: Going somewhere, Solo?

Han: Yes, Greedo. As a matter of fact, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I’ve got his money.

Greedo: It’s too late. You should have paid him when you had the chance. Jabba’s put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you. I’m lucky I found you first.

Han: Yeah, but this time I got the money.

Greedo: If you give it to me, I might forget I found you.

Han: I don’t have it with me. Tell Jabba…

Greedo: Jabba’s through with you. He has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sign of an Imperial cruiser.

Han: Even I get boarded sometimes. Do you think I had a choice?

Greedo: You can tell that to Jabba. He may only take your ship.

Han: Over my dead body.

Greedo: That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to killing you for a long time.

Han: Yes, I’ll bet you have.

ZZZZZZZZAP!

Han: Sorry about the mess.

—

Han shot first. Don’t let anyone tell you different, especially George Lucas.